May 22, 2017

I  have a new project this month.

It's a take on the need that people have every now and then to re-invent themselves. They do this, methinks, because the old self isn't shiny anymore, or because it's broken somehow, or maybe it's just a little torn around the edges. Either way, because the old self needs some work they bring out the drawing board and re-create who they need to be. For some people it's as simple as a new haircut and a change of clothes. Others try to change something fundamental about their personality. Still others change their name, buy a fake passport and move to a beach-y island off the Caribbean to sip pina-coladas in the sunshine (hot cabana boys, optional).

As tempting as the sunshine-beach-escape-plan may be, I find myself struggling with a slightly different problem. Almost despite myself (certainly not by design), I find that I did re-invent myself over the past three years. I became, what I imagine, becomes of an ostrich that sticks its head in the sand and - finding the smooth-cool-mud somewhat amazing refuses to stick that head out again. Somehow (please don't ask me to insert logic into this analogy), our ostrich survives, even thrives, under the sand.  But unbeknownst to our feathered friend, time - and life - doesn't stand still even though she is. And then one day she decides to stick her head out again and take a peek. It's a strange new world she sees out there. Entirely too bright, and the sun makes her squint. The surroundings are different too. There are bushes where there were none before, but some tall trees are gone. Others have fruit when they once were bare. All in all, the world seems frighteningly shiny. So there she is, her head hesitantly out of the sand looking around like a squinty-eyed lunatic wondering what-the-hell-just-happened-here. A (biggish) part of her longs to stick her head right back into the soothing-coolness it came from away from the almost-blinding glare of what she used to be.

Coming back from our improbable analogy, I feel a little like that. A few years, no job and a kid later I feel like a completely changed person. Though not, necessarily, changed for the better. And as I look out into the shiny-world around me I realize that although my insular existence has brought me much happiness, I have also let go of a lot of things that used to define who and what I was.

So here's the new project. I intend to un-invent myself. Become a little bit more like the person I used to be. No matter how much we like the sand, muddy-ostrich is meant to shine in the sun. It's time she remembered that, and got down to it!

Wish me luck :)


The Me. said...

I wish you luck and courage. (:

Anonymous said...

How goes the project?

Xeb said...

Me: Thanks :)

Anon: le-sigh.