May 10, 2015

Not just any day, certainly not every day, but every once in a while you realize that among the many lessons that growing  up teaches you, the most pressing is the irrevokability of life decisions. When you're younger (or just young-at-heart), jumping off cliffs seems like the thing to do. Everything feels like it's relatively simple. All you have to do is close your eyes, take that jump and let the future take care of itself. Because, frankly, you've never come across a situation that you can't walk away from. And with change being the only constant that you have known, it never occurs to you that a day will come when you wake up with a realization that 'this-is-my-life'. And whether you like it or not, everything in it is something you have to live with. Gone are the days when you could just pick up your (inconveniently-green) passport, have a visa stamped (or not, depending on where you decide to go) and catch a plane to-some-other-place. Gone are the moments when escape from your life had no consequences whatsoever - because, let's face it, who were you leaving behind? Gone are the days when your decisions had no impact (or none that you cared about at any rate) on anyone but you.

Gone are the days when you lived for no one but you.

And if you're honest with yourself, this is what you always wanted. Someone to belong to. Someone who belongs to you.

It's just days - like today - when you wake up to the spine-chilling awareness that whether you like it or not, there's nothing you can do about it. Contrary to past life events there's no 'k-thanks-bye' that you can say while you happily wallow in self-created life dramas and then move on to the next chapter.  Truth is after talking about it for most of your life, you've gone and done it. You've jumped off that cliff.

Whether you fall, or fly, is really up to you.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

are you getting divorced?

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous and Xeb, if so may i suggest getting married to Saad? Please please please

Anonymous said...

Is it really up to you? Sometimes things and people are just beyond your control. You can't fly if you are being weighed down, regardless of how much you flap your wings. Just as the heat of the sun melted the wax of Icarus' wings, sometimes you just try to fly close to the wrong thing and it ends up making you fall from the sky.

saria said...

It's how I feel after having a baby. While I love him to bits, and I care for him with all my life, I know that compassion and sense of responsibility will never ever allow me to just pack up and go anywhere anymore. It's a scary feeling and I knew this is how having a baby would make me feel, but I jumped the cliff anyway.

Anonymous said...

Why have you stopped writing? Have been following for years..... :)

Xeb said...

Saria: then the most is most apt, because I wrote it about two weeks after my baby was born! :)