June 11, 2013

Five years is a long time. In dog years, you're middle-aged. In human years, you have crossed half a decade and - most likely - moved into a completely different phase of your life.

But as I suspected a long time ago, pain has no spacio-temporal limitations. When it erupts it takes you over, turns you upside down and inside out and leaves you almost breathless wondering how it can still feel like it was yesterday. You close your eyes and all you see is a series of disconnected images. A screaming telephone call, a painfully long rickshaw ride, running across a hospital parking lot, endless waiting in a sterile hospital room, him being rushed to the operation theatre with a doctor sitting on top of his chest pumping air into his throat, more endless waiting but different rooms, praying with everything that you've got, assuring those you love that it will be okay even as your sinking heart refuses to  believe it yourself, hanging on to every thread of hope, watching as the surgeon comes out telling you that he tried his best, listening to your mother's cries, wondering if the echoes you hear are your own and then finally sitting by his lifeless body for what seemed like forever but not long enough, accompanying him as he is taken to his final resting place, unable to let go of his hand, kissing his brow for the last time, going home.

It doesn't matter how much time passes, the memories are still crippling.

And I wonder, almost on a daily basis, if I will ever hear the sound of your voice again? Feel the comfort of your arms circling me? Hear you laugh, and sooth me as I fly into a childish temper tantrum? Will I ever be able to see your slow, steady smile? Hear you sing happy-sad songs? Will I ever stop missing you?

Will I ever feel whole again?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yea. After a mind-numbing eternity, you will feel whole again.

Hug.

Anonymous said...

I wish you peace of mind and soul. We never stop missing our loved ones, especially our parents. May his soul rest in eternal peace (amen).

Love & Hugs

ZIK

Roshni said...

Probably not.
But you missing him so much is only evident of what a great person he must have been; and more importantly what a great relationship he must have shared with you, one-to-one.
You know, maybe you don't have to try so hard to not miss him? or even for acceptance that he's gone?.. maybe you just carry on like this? He's alive in your thoughts and your memories..and I know, it must kill a part of you every time there's an unexpected reminder of his absence, but know that he's watching over you. Always. Try to make your peace knowing that.
I lost my dad last year, I understand where you're coming from.. - the wounds, they're still fresh, the constant feeling of someone missing.. Yea, I understand that.
I guess, sometimes we just need to know, it gets better.. right?.. I really don't know if it does... but try for peace.
May Allah swt grant your dad the highest place in Janat, iA (= .... feel better.