February 6, 2013

Yesterday was the second time in my life someone I am not-really-interested in came forward with a confession of undying-affection (the leading up to marriage kind). The last time, if you remember the history accurately, was in 2008 when Mr. Boston drove to JFK International, only to drop me home in Manhattan and drive four hours back to Bean Town. He proceeded to prove his affection by putting up with general aloofness with good grace (extraordinary grace) ignore my protestations that this was not what I wanted and generally tried his best to be totally-there-for-me. Except his attention led to a feeling of trapped suffocation. It was a weirdly physical reaction, a kind of tightness in the chest, an inability to breath and an intense desire to get-the-hell-away from him. The episode culminated in much drama - his parents called my grandparents (from Surat, India to Karachi, Pakistan) asking me not to be a cold-hearted bitch (not in so many words, but you get the gist) and say 'aye' to the marriage. The pressure was on at home and that made me even more determined not to give in. Point being, I said a final 'no' over really yummy chocolate fondue at Max Brenner (sigh, what-a-chocolate-fondue!) and felt much-relieved at closing that chapter forever. Or up until the multiple times it has been opened, discussed, disected and deliberated on at home and I have been chastised (over and over) for letting such a 'good-boy' get away.

But that was then.

Yesterday night someone I have known for some time now came over and proceeded to declare himself, his intentions and his feelings for me. He wants a relationship, if I want to get married now that seems to be fine with him, if I want to wait a while and get married a little later that's fine too. Whatever I want, say's he, all he wants is me. Given all my worries about never-having-them-kids and the self-awareness that I actually 'do' want to settle down into happy-married-ness, this should have led to jubilation all around. I should have been updating my facebook status and basking in the congratulations and informing  my mother that its time to buy them wedding clothes. Instead, after I closed the door on him last night I've been feeling that same sense of can't-breathe-this-is-wrong-need-to-run-have-to-get-away-from-this-situation. Because I didn't want to say 'no' (don't have the same senseless courage I had 5 five years ago) I didn't. I told him, instead, I needed time to think about it, and I don't want to 'date' him, but in a few months after getting to know him better (hah) he can ask me again and I'll give him an answer. Unfortunately, my cowardice has its consequences. I think he's left feeling like he's made progress and we're in a happy-place and moving-forward and what-not-crap, as evidenced by the 'lets-meet-up-tonight-my-love' kinda message he just sent me. And I'm in full-on-panic mode.

What-oh-what have I gotten myself into now? 

9 comments:

Saad F'akhtar said...

given your history, ancient and recent, you're likely to be crushing on this man the minute you turn him away. That will largely be a result of your inability to stop thinking about him (even if it's simply because you feel bad for turning him away)

You will then proceed to moan about how miserable you are because you keep thinking, "what-if-he-was-The-One?"

Conversely, if you say yes to him, you will discover he's a great person. Eventually, though, he will not be able to give you the attention/excitement/intellectual stimulation you desire (you will probably pick one of those but there are other options) and proceed to sabotage something that's either working or easily fixable.

So, yeah.

Saad F'akhtar said...

Even *I* feel bad about what you did to the Boring Bohri!

Xeb said...

Sigh. Thank you Boid for always making me feel worse about myself! :P

Anonymous said...

if you live where you live, you will never find the intellectual type you are looking for...
they just dont exist on that land, given the moms who raise them and the society which shapes them...

move to NY or london or paris... oo lala

Babar said...

This feeling of not being able to breath does not necessarily mean that he is unfit for you. It is just reflection of the phobia one is ought to suffer on the thought of spending life with somebody. I say do give him a chance if he has any pluses. How about this, evaluate him objectively, objectively match your and his personalities, keeping emotions out of it, as they out to be of fear since you know you have no lovey-dovey ones for him. In my opinion your response was most rational and gives you a chance to think about it with a cooler head. It is an extremely minuscule chance that one finds somebody who sweeps you off your feet while you turn out to be the one who sweeps them off. Happens in college a lot, lot less in later life. DO NOT enter into it because of feeling pressured to get married because of age etc., but do not reject because of stupid hope of "love".

Saad F'akhtar said...

I'm offended by the Anonymous who claims any intellect resides outside of this country. We're all just unavailable!

Xeb said...

Anon: Viva'la Paris?

Babar: Good advice, and objectively speaking (without any lovey-dovey feelings thrown in) he's a lousy choice! :P Which makes it all the easier (today) to turn him down despite the fear of perpetual forever-alone-ness.

Boid: No, you all are just stupid! :P

Anonymous said...

Honestly xeb. you need to take a leap of faith. Life will never be a rom com. love comes gradually after living together and discovering each others quirky flaws. l..stop thinking and start living! theres no point in analytical analysis of every prospective suitor. because everyone will fail somehow or another. i am married to my complete opposite and things worked out in the end. i love his company and it is so endearing the way he thinks is so different from my outlook. you need to take a nose dive..be spontaneous and just go with the flow

M said...

I feel i will sound like a commitaphobe if i said you did the right thing?

Going thru the same thing. The intellectually simulating types are hard to find outside Pak too, we really lack them in UAE. Or the one those are simulating (intellectually or otherwise) are.. bigger commitaphobes than we are.

So yeah. I shall wait.