August 8, 2012

There should be a rule that when you break up with someone you cannot hurt. Since there is no one (but yourself) to blame, there should be no pain. You cannot walk around feeling like you took a sledge hammer to your heart. The reasons - which were so painfully obvious to you yesterday - should stay obvious and keep you focused. There should no wavering, and waffling. And most of all, like Johnson's Baby Shampoo, breaking up with people should also lead to 'no more tears'.

I, for one, am extremely annoyed that none of the above is true. Having been in a similar situation twice before (thank you Boid, and thank you N) but in the position of the breaker-upee, I have justifiably spent time wallowing in self-pity, feeling miserable and blaming the other party for being the worst kind of ass. I am used to that role, and I feel like I handle it with great dignity and pride (or whatever the most graceful tearful equivalent is).

Now, in the unfortunate position of the breaker-upper, I find that I have nowhere to go. And no one to blame but myself. And self-blame is my least of all non-favorite things. I can't run crying to mommy, because the hurt is self-inflicted. I can't wish that he would re-consider and take me back, because the decision was mine and it would be stupid in the extreme to do that. I can't wish awful things happened to him as a result of all the pain he's causing me because, well, I don't want awful things to happen to him and because it's not him that's causing the pain - well not anymore at any rate.

So here I am. I took the decision. I had the conversation. I said goodbye.

And now I hurt just as much as I did before, except he's not here to be a convenient scapegoat for my pain.

Explain to me - those of you who know better than I - how THIS was the right solution to my dilemma?

*sigh*

3 comments:

Salman Latif said...

On a positive note, you get to see things from the other side of the line.

Xeb said...

:)

That be true!

LanternSaturdays said...

Bumper sticker every word! the distance angers me but the union is vague, too. An e-mail was sent to him this monday.