March 19, 2012

If anybody were to ask me what my biggest limitation is, after wading through the many-many, my answer would probably be: an inability to take a decision.

Through life, I've never been able to take a stand and stick to it. After 'deciding' something, I inevitably begin to wiffle-and-waffle and generally do the exact opposite of whatever it was I set out to do. And if the tussle is between the head and the heart, the heart inevitably wins out, while the head sits behind and wants to kill itself because it knows exactly what's going to happen next.

And more often than not, important life decisions have been taken for me. Which may sound weird coming from a strong-independent-woman-type, but I promise you that's what happens. Whenever I have to that the stand, I delay it until the 'decision' itself seems like a no-brainer, more like a default choice really. And I've done this with everything: education, work and (ofcourse) the always-on-the-edge-of-disaster, love-life.

Point is I'm bad at taking decisions. And even worse at sticking to them. But the love-life (painfully twisted as it is) brings me to this point yet again: where I need to take a decision, or delay it to a point where he takes it for me. And while I don't want to let him go, I know deep-inside (where it counts) that I have to. For his sake and for my own. Because as B says in her heart-breaking 'pep-talk', what is the point of being in a relationship when you still feel lonely?

At the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared of owning up to yet another failed relationship. Scared of wondering what's wrong with me, and why I can't ever make it work? But most of all, I'm scared of the heartbreak that is sure to come if I take this decision and actually stick with it. And I'm scared of losing the person around whom my last year has revolved, because this decision will have massive implications on life-as-I-know-it, in Islamabad. And unlike the other times - Lahore and Karachi - I won't have another city or another country to escape to and distract myself while I scotch-tape the pieces of my heart together.


falsay said...

So don't. Don't break up with him. What brought you two together in the first place? I am sure there must have been an insight, some quickened heartbeats and gooey smiles, right?

Each relationship is the consequence of a previous one. If we keep trying to justify it then nothing will ever sort itself out. Yet the heart knows, what others don't. Hope you make it through in one piece.

Anonymous said...

Perfection in any relationship happens with time...its all about reconciliation...plz talk it ex didnt wanna give it a shot...he was probably too scared to get into a relationship...or mebbe he was just screwing with really hurt when he let go of me very easily....absolutely no contact from his side post the break up...i cried...begged...made a fool of myself...only to be rejected again and again :)
u are never going to find a perfect man with no flaws....please make it work...if you really think he is worth all this pain....frankly...its ok...all the best....take a wise decision...

ordered-chaos said...

I can identify with the decision bit because I find myself in similar straits. so far the light at the end of the tunnel is just a train screeching full throttle at me ....

BT said...

If he makes you feel insecure, leave him. It's probably something you don't want to hear, but you will regret all those sacrifices later. This isn't about being selfish; it's about earning your humanity-or more specifically-your respect.

If he's a good guy, then give him a chance. If you fear something before you even do it, you've already lost the entire battle. We can't expect a flower to grow out of barren soil.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happens

-what do you know?
-what do you feel ?
-why do you feel that way?
- how does that address what you're going to do or not do today or this week?