January 4, 2011

I'm sick and tired of people (almost everyone of a certain age and family-type I come across these days) telling me its 'about time' I get married and scolding me for not finding a 'good-boy' for myself. I mean what-the-fuck? They treat the situation as if there are scores of men willing and waiting to marry me and I stand in the ranks refusing every one simply because I don't want to get married. If fate had cooperated I would most likely be married right now, with a score of children my mother would complain about always having to baby-sit. Instead, I'm single and already worried that I'm going to be the last one standing without the constant jabbering of half-worried-half-just-plain-nosy relatives who have nothing better to do than to point out the obvious. Say's one: you have so many male-friends on facebook why can't you marry one of them? I feel like beaning her on the head with something sharp-and-pointy, but heroically refraining I tell her its because none of them want to marry me. But that can't be true, says she, you're probably not considering all your options. Wondering where I can find a pick-axe, I tell her that I have NO goddamn options and until I do I'm not likely to get married. She then tells me how unfair it is that I'm worrying my mother unnecessarily by remaining single when all I have to go do to leave the universe undisturbed is to find a boy, get married. I tell her that if she's so worried about me worrying my mother, then she should just find me a boy to marry. She looks at me as if that's mission impossible and says in this day and age you should find yourself a boy. Just do it soon otherwise it may be very difficult.

News flash: It's already difficult. And this marriage-obsessed social fabric I'm interwoven into terrifies me with dire premonitions of impending spinsterhood. Every day, in every way I feel that I'm disappointing their notions of what a 'good' Pakistani girl should be. Despite being able to provide for myself, I'm genuinely becoming afraid of not having anyone out there to 'take care of me'. I'm educated, I have a great job but I'm not married, I have no children and I'm turning 28 next week. By Pakistani standards I have failed. And every single day, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways they continue to remind me of how completely inadequate I am.

*sigh*

19 comments:

Aneela Z said...

Will it help if I tell you that at 28 I met the guy I eventually married. Of course after a "respectable" period of five years or so. No rushing into marriage for some of us of course!! Im telling you it all does work out, and you push out the baby or babies that you want and live your happy (or nearly there) ever afters (and no one takes away your Pakistani passport) Dont lose your sense of self, Xeb. Jo hoga so hoga. Lady Di was the only one who married first boyfriend, 20 year old masoom virgin, 'adequate' education, school teacher, the stuff Pakistani mom-in-laws wet dreams are made of and we all know how that ended.

Deepak Iyer said...

Is this your way of reminding everyone to wish you next week? Sneaky .. [:)]

As for your situation, the race is between your wedding and their death.

Anonymous said...

I am a reader from across the border....Totally agree with Aneela...it all works out in the end...
Don't let these nagging aunties get to you...believe me it never ends...even if you were to get married tomorrow...they will be after your life to push out babies the day after!
So while our society seems to be obsessed with marriage and procreating- surely you know there is so much more to life than that! You are a smart, young, confident and beautiful (in my mind) woman- don't let the nagging eat away at your sense of self!

Anonymous said...

The point of marriage is... ... well that's debateable, but since you are apparently still considering the do-it-yourself route, perhaps [your own] happiness could figure into the equation?

Babar said...

I am amazed. 28 is not at all late even by Pakistani standards nowadays. Most of the girls I know are getting married past this age, at around 30.

Ali said...

Don't let them get to you, it will happen when its supposed to.

Relax and have fun :)

wildflower said...

The high cost of being different. Pay it. Stay you.

ordered-chaos said...

Consider those older and in the same boat and the pic may look better. I wonder what I do to get the rosy hue now :(

Anonymous said...

I agree with Aneela too, Xeb. I'm 24 and choosing to push my career and education further as opposed to the relationship I formerly had. I don't regret it either. Maybe the years will catch up with me but for the time being you and Aneela are amongst my role models.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least WE love you, even if it isn't *that* kind of love. From what I've heard Isloo lacks the freewheeling intellectual cafe scene of Lahore, but surely you could reverse-engineer something of out this blog? If you go in with your eyes open, it could be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

Aneela Z said...

yup and anon at 33 they are more concerned IF you will ever marry than whom (as I keep on repeating, apologies if you hav heard me saying this before).
Of course the guy might ask you to either marry him or put them on a pension plan

How do we know said...

Xeb, read Ratzzz blog. You will love it. And abt the aunties, smile at them sweetly, and say "Aunty ji, main to khud pareshaan hoon. Koi ladka bataiye na... " Most of the times, they used to shut up after that.

How do we know said...

oh, and that koi ladka bataiye na trick? Trusteth, it works. Everytime.

Anonymous said...

*sigh*

I totally relate to the post, Xeb! I am in the same boat as you, the only difference being I'm 29 and unmarried as opposed to being 28.
The hardest part about this whole singledom situation I feel is how people manage to erode your self esteem and scare the dimwits out of you for having no potential 'maybe' in sight.

I find that this social pressure takes away from me the educated, independent woman image of myself and turns me into someone who mopes because she has no one to take care of her as society expects. While it is hard enough not having a partner, it's harder when people remind you of your supposed failings day in and day out. The part that gets lost in all the shenanigans that is "finding the right boy/ girl" is that not everyone is incomplete without a significant other in their lives.

Is it so strange that some of us would rather wait and take the chance to meet someone who appeals to us than get married to just about anyone because there happens to be a social need to get married and produce babies.

I rambled on here but what I usually do when things get bad for me is actually imagine my post married life with one of these rishta boys and then after about 5 min's, I find myself thanking the good lord for blessing me with sense and sensibility :)

Anonymous said...

Marriage should be abolished. The whole industry feeds various social parasites like lawyers, matchmakers, marriage website creators, jewelers, tailors, musicians, event-planners, cake-bakers, and tent-renters, while creating undue anxiety for the rest of us. It's a vicious cycle. We're so overwhelmed by about 32 that we simply give in, then to relieve the stress we start making babies, then we get worn out chasing them around, before we know it they're 18, then they're 28...

Aneela Z said...

anon from the worn out chasing babies comment, let me kiss the hands that typed this comment.

Anonymous said...

What about the rest Aneela ? How do your process the other 7 lines of text?

Aneela Z said...

well on my part I did trim down on the "trappings" , of course there was no compromise when it came to the cake!! Phir insaan shadi hi kiyoo karey?

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, the shadi was postponed, since the girl, or whatever ulu chod idiot hacked into her Facebook account, claimed to "not know me AT ALL". It was a most unfortunate misunderstanding, and I expect it will receive a favorable resolution in the near future.