November 15, 2010

Sa is waiting for Superman to swoop in and save Pakistan. I'm not. I think we're beyond salvation anyway, and Mr. Man (first name Super) would be better served resolving his own schizophrenic dual identity issues and formalizing his association with Ms. Lane rather than hanging out in the streets-where-we-live looking out for a solution. As it is, if Super were to try his luck with us, chances are his love story will never develop beyond its abbreviated self, and instead of furtively haunting newspaper offices waiting for Louis to make a move, he'll find himself sipping tea in some drawing room while a high-society aunty tries to convince him that Bunty's sister is actually a wonderful match for him.

Initially, on the professional front, Super will be happily challenged, as are all of us who are engrossed in figuring out a way for Pakistan to develop beyond this mess. He will have long, intense, political discussions with all and sundry and try to figure out 'who' is responsible for the whole hullabaloo. He will soon realize that almost everyone - and no-one - seems to be complicit with the crime. This naturally, will frustrate the hell out of him because - as any decent crime-fighter will tell you - there needs to be 'a' particular villain to direct all crime-fighting efforts towards. If EVERYONE is a victim, then WHAT is a hero to do?

While still battling with this dilemma, Super will hear - courtesy the Pakistani version of the Gestapo who-know-everything-but-tell-us-nothing - that there is a be a surprise attack on some sort of senior government person, maybe even Lord V. Suddenly energized and gratified that he finally has something to do, Super will begin to make super-efficient plans for rescue. Except suddenly he'll realize that perhaps the greatest service he can do this country is to let those-who-are-that-way-inclined rid us of the slime-in-government (as someone or the other always does eventually). He will also realize that his rescue attempt will undoubtedly be taken as an Amreekan controversy (because that's what everything always is anyway) and his public image will be shot to bit in the eyes of the common people. And as every superhero knows, public adoration is number one priority. He will then go back to the drawing board (with substantially less hair because by this time he's pulled them all out) and try to figure out what happens next.

By now Super is balding (we know why) and all the oil-rich Pakistani food the rishta-aunties keep feeding him are giving him a substantial pot-belly. He still remembers how to fly (somewhat) but he's totally forgotten how to walk (because nobody who is 'anybody' actually 'walks' out here) and the truth is he has actually begun to look forward to the long drawn-out chai-session with Bunty's aunt (the one who keeps trying to set him up with Bunty's sister) because as a honorary Pakistani male he's getting very used to being fawned over.

At the end of the day, Super has also realized that he's just plain tired. More tired than he's ever been in the twenty years or so he's been playing games with Lex Luthor and gang. He realizes that this country could very well be made entirely of Kryptonite, given the effect it has on his ability to save the day. Super is constantly plagued with a nagging sensation that he has finally met his nemesis: the one situation he cannot resolve. And that men who are faster than a speeding bullet are really somewhat unnecessary in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Gradually aging, balding, pot-bellied Superman will shrivel into a pathetic shadow of his former self and become addicted to several substances easily available in Islamabad guaranteed to make one feel invincible again. This will, unfortunately, be the beginning of his downfall, and very soon thereafter he will commit suicide and die.

And no one in Pakistan will really care because with the earthquakes, and floods (not to mention the flood-induced hike in our income tax) and inflation and petrol prices and bomb-blasts and people dying all over the place we really could not give less of a shit. Kahani Khatam (The End).

So really Sa, do you 'still' think Superman should come save Pakistan?


Anonymous said...

Loved it! Bechara Super..the man!

madi said...

Haircut-inspired spiel?

Xeb said...

Anon: Haha, yes. Bechara indeed.

M: No, Status-Comment inspired spiel.

Sarah said...

You're absolutely right, Super can't save Pakistan. I think we need Peter Pan and the lost boys!

Xeb said...

I don't believe you brought Pan into this conversation Sa. That's enough to inspire yet another rant - along a completely different tangent! :P