October 22, 2010

We are all a little damaged, but some of us are more willing to hide behind the scars than others. After my father's death someone-I-know came up to me and told me she was proud of me for being so strong. I thought she was spouting sympathetic rubbish (as many in this situation are prone to do) but then she stopped and looked at me strangely and said that she'd seen a lot of people who were in the same place I was and she wanted me to understand that even though I was hurting, I could not allow strength to become brittle. I don't think I really understood her then. Two years later I think I know what she was trying to say.

When we hurt, for whatever reason we hurt, strange things happen. First we try to blame the world, because lets-face-it there is no reason why anyone else should be happy if we are not. At times we do more than attach blame, we try to hurt others just to get some sort of sadistic affirmation that pain - once shared - is diluted. Finally, we stop trying to lash out and pain becomes intrinsic, so when there is no one else left to blame, there is always oneself. It's masochistic, to say the least, but some of us enjoy it. Enjoy looking at the scars every now and then and congratulating oneself on surviving the pain. A lot of us take comfort in knowing that if we've made it through once, we will make it through again, and we think that it makes us stronger. Which it does, for a while. Except each scar is a barrier. A reason not to let someone else inside. A justification to act in a particular way. And gradually a warm strong person becomes cold and brittle. And before we know it, its one crack is too many and then they break.

So here I am: realizing that I'm standing at a place where I may have given myself no options but to fall apart. Which is fine (say I) because I've done it before. Except each time I've fallen apart, I've rather randomly put it all together with scotch-tape and easy pick-me-ups that do nothing but hang on to the pain, shelve it and throw it back on the inside.

This time, I need a new strategy. Atlantic City, my loves, will just not do.

Any ideas?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

some chocolate never hurt? or haagen daz strawberry cheesecake can surely numb the pain...i wish i had the answer but i do not. but i guess in the meanwhile all i can say is never lose faith. you know that junoon lyric comes to mind, 'raath dhalni tau hain, aanay ujaley bhi tau hain'

Rakhi said...

Oh to become whole again! Maybe candy floss and a ride on the ferris wheel? Maybe a good,strong cup of coffee, cigarette and a book to give you company? Maybe a strenuous session at the gym sweating it all out till every muscle aches and announces its presence to you crying out loud? Maybe all of this, or none at all - because scotch tape is not we are looking for right? If I knew the medicine I'd be the first one to take it.

Much love,

PehlaykaNataa said...

i wrote something
and then i deleted it
i know that i dont know

but what i truly believe is that sometimes pain is so strong that one needs to crack and break down to release it all

:(

Deepak Iyer said...

Remember the thing I said about 'using pain'?
I agree: It is enticing in the short run, dangerous in the long.

Deepak Iyer said...

As for ideas, the larger view one takes, the smaller everything else seems. That's all I know of.
(I'll be happy to discuss offline.)

Thoth said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spW4Rf8SDTk



A monastery at Himalayas?

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

Hmm... U need to talk with someone i guess...

Anonymous said...

All too true. Reading your wise thoughts makes me feel better. You know the one about sweat, tears, and the sea? Excercise, cooking, literature, ... I think suffering often almost by definition, does not make sense. It would not be as bad if it were expected. It's wrong. It is not what 'should' have happened. Yet, we can try to make sense of it, and the pain begins to diffuse...