August 5, 2010

Dear Syed Hussaini,

Ever since I developed a rather unfortunate interest in politics I have read many silly articles propagating many silly things. However very few of them have had the impact that your treatise has had. Enough of an impact to force me to put aside a significant number of things I ought-to-be-doing in favor of addressing some of the concerns you've raised.

In your article on, you say:

'It is time, the Prime Minister of Pakistan, Yousuf Raza Gilani, fires the Chief of the Army Staff, General Ashfaq Parvaiz Kayani, and the top officials at the Inter Services Intelligence (ISI).'

Err, yes. Ofcourse. Immediately after confirming Kayani's second term as COAS Gillani is now going to listen to your stellar logic and proceed to fire the most powerful men in the country. Men, who undoubtedly have much to do with Gillani's ascent to power to begin with.

Mr. Gilani is also required to file a First Investigation Report (FIR) at the nearest police station against Kayani and the ISI bosses for the murder of 3,400 Pakistanis; these Pakistanis were killed by suicide bombings carried out by the terrorists directly under the command and control of Kayani and his ISI cohorts.

Umm. Yes, sure. Because FIR Reports made to the police about the powers-that-be is going to be extremely effective. Now that you have said it, I can just picture Lord V and gang rushing off to the nearest police station to do your bidding.

The spokesman of the Foreign Ministry of Pakistan has said that the contents of the WikiLeaks disclosures are mere lies; this false statement made the whole world look down upon the Islamabad government as nothing but a bunch of stubborn liars. Mr. Gilani would have to act to remove this dark stain from the face of the Pakistani nation.

Explain to me why you're inclined to believe 'WikiLeaks', an internet collection of conspiracy theories over those propagated by our beloved government? Fact is, Pakistanis are so steeped in conspiracies we're in the happy position of choosing our pet theories and enshrining them as fact. Did you know, for example, that the recent spate of seismic activities around the word are a result of top-secret American experiments in an underwater laboratory. I didn't either until I had dinner with a friend-who-knows-these-things a few nights ago. But naturally, I will follow your lead and hesitate to confirm anything until I hear the truth on wiki-leaks.

The world outside Pakistan may not be willing to buy Pakistani lies. The parents of the British and the American soldiers in Afghanistan are going to raise hell and force their governments to act against Pakistan, to cut the aid off, to punish it the way Taliban's Afghanistan was punished.

What are you going to do my friend, spank Pakistan? Naughty boys! Take *that*, and *that* and *that*. It does occur to me that if parents of British and American soldiers had so much love for their progeny they might want to prevent them from enlisting in the first place. Or maybe not. Come-shoot-me-I'm-in-the-army is a game many parents want to play with their children these days. Does it ever occur to you, my learned friend, that the Afghani taliban suffered little compared to the average Afghan citizen? Rumor has it (I'm not sure you'd agree since I'm not sure wiki-leaks has this information yet) but while Afghan citizens (of the non-talibani kind) were being screwed over by the constant bombing, the Taliban merrily packed up their bags and relocated to Pakistan. What you suggest is a brilliant plan. Let's have the Taliban migrate again (maybe to Uzbekistan) while Pakistanis on the street die from a combination of state and international agency sponsored violence. Also, do you even realize how confused you are? Like a child throwing a tantrum you blame everybody, the government (jail the ISI, jail the ISI), the Taliban (evil, bearded monsters) as well as the average Pakistani on the street (wake up, DO something). If you want to be taken seriously, you may seriously want to pick your monsters.

Lying through the teeth and demanding to prove the WikiLeaks charges against Pakistan is not going to work; it did not work with Taliban's Afghanistan. Does anybody remember Taliban denying complicity after 9/11 and demanding the Americans to come up with a proof?

Err, does anybody remember the Taliban prior to 9/11? Speaking of which, with the power invested in you by wikileaks can you answer the answer the absolutely, critical, burning question: where the hell is Osama bin Laden? And when you've solved that one (in the next two minutes) maybe you can figure out how when Saudis and Egyptians (if I recall correctly, which I may not) were directly implicated how did Osama decide to run off to Afghanistan?

I don't deny that we've all got a problem, I find it annoyingly tedious how the uninformed decide to put together piecemeal logic and prop it up on the bastion of truth. But then, as my boss tells me often when I get annoyed by the idiocy around me, if they knew what they were talking about who would pay 'you' for your services. Case in point, boss, case in point.

Well, the Americans proved that they meant business.

Yes. They did. Bully for them. Let's all become American, shall we. Oh wait, we can't. Something about a color difference between blue-green. Shit. Now what do we do?

The Islamabad regime failed to realize the fact that by calling the WikiLeaks material a pack of lies, it would not be able to convince anybody simply because the Americans themselves are not challenging the credibility of their own classified documents and are, rather, trying to contain the damage caused by the leaks.


The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, displayed utmost contempt as he verbally attacked Pakistan in Delhi. He refuses to withdraw his condemnation of Pakistan as a sponsor of terrorism and the People of Britain stand solidly behind him. Next thing; Mr. Cameron gets physical.

Yes. Come on David. Let's see what you've got. Come bomb us. We deserve it. We're rotten, horrible, scheming people with Taliban's in our bellies. Come keeel us. Come, come, come.

Transactional Analysis, my latest learning in the field of communication encourages people to initiate dialogue between wat is called 'adult' states (as opposed to parent or child). If I were to talk your adult (which is not very visible to me) I'd agree with you that Pakistan is chock-full of Taliban-y types. We've got them coming out of our ears, bombing our mosques and markets. But for every Taliban you've got twenty civilians with no desire to do anything more than just live their lives in relative comfort. Maybe go abroad for a vacation or two. Marry their children in good families. Play with their grandchildren. Gossip with their neighbors. In Gujju terms they just want to live the 'majani' life. What good would getting physical do aside from ruin livelihoods, destroy economies and destabilize every aspect of life as we know it?

That said, come on Mr. Cameron. Show us what you've got. Come keel us. Come, come.

Chris Alexander, Canada's former ambassador to Afghanistan, recently said in an article:

"The Pakistan army under Gen. Kayani is sponsoring a large-scale, covert guerrilla war through Afghan proxies – whose strongholds in Baluchistan and Waziristan are flourishing. Their mission in Afghanistan is to keep Pashtun nationalism down, India out and Mr. Karzai weak...

Yes. Our government is SO put together that we've actually thought this through. This ship-of-fools did not get accidentally promoted to the top, they're actually the smartest men in the country who've been planning this exact moment in time for a very long time. Quite the evil genius we've turned out to be. In a twisted sort of way, we should be thoroughly pleased with ourselves.

"It has nothing to do with Islam, whose principles they trample; indeed, the flower of Afghanistan's ulema (religious leaders) have been among their victims...

Correction. It very much has to do with Islam. When the religion is called upon to excuse, to exacerbate, to be complicit with all that's going on, it's very much to do with Islam. Ofcourse if you WERE to open your blinkered horizon and consider the fact that there may be more than one school of thought within the Islamic umbrella, you and I would (very nearly) be on the same page.

"Gen. Kayani and others will deny complicity. But as the WikiLeaks material demonstrates, their heavy-handed involvement is now obvious at all levels...

Ah yes. Back to WikiLeaks. The fount of all wisdom. The oracle of truth and justice. The common man's access to secrets as yet unknown. All hail, WikiLeaks.

“In Pakistan, Taliban-led suicide attacks since 2007 have killed an estimated 3,400 – mostly civilians. Thousands more have been killed in operations to root militants out of Swat, Bajaur, Kurram, South Waziristan and elsewhere.” [1]

Regrettable fact. Yes. But tell me something, were you not advocating that we arrest Kayani and the ISI for these attacks? Come on, pick one: ISI-Taliban-ISI-Taliban-ISI-Taliban-Pak Military-Taliban-ISI-America-Pak Military-Taliban-America-ISI-America-Taliban-ISI-Taliban

So far, Pakistan has four nations accusing it of sponsoring terrorism presently; Afghanistan, India, Britain and Canada. There may soon be a fifth country joining the chorus; Pakistan's dear ally, the United States of America. The American people can force the White House and the State Department to change course and treat Pakistan the way the U.S. treated Taliban's Afghanistan after 9/11.

Yes they can. Say's Obama. Will they? That, I think depends on a lot of things. And even if we ARE sponsoring terrorism, tell me something: when British born terrorists blew up the trains (et al) did the world declare war against Britain? So we have terrorists within our country. Chances are, so do all of you. Declaring war against a country is NOT the way to deal with menace that in itself denies all spacial limitations.

But I really don't expect you to understand that, maybe if WikiLeaks explains it to you....

The Taliban backed Al-Qaidah against the West and lost; by backing Kayani and cohorts, the present Islamabad regime would meet the same fate.

Ah yes. The all-powerful West. Let's all kow-tow to the West. Except the West is coming this way to keeel us (says Mr. Cameron and WikiLeaks) now what? Chalo let's all go hide. The Taliban can come too.

Mr. Gilani needs to take one look at the devastation Afghanistan had been through for not handing over the terrorists to the West after 9/11.

Actually, the truth is all the terrorists are sitting in Gilani's backyard having tea with the President. And in our culture its considered very rude to throw out guests. I think you need to wait till tea-time is over. And the West needs to stop being culturally insensitive. *bus*

If Kayani and his ISI cohorts are not fired, arrested and prosecuted, Mr. Gilani should know, Pakistan would lose its last chance of redemption.

You're getting confused again: SI-Taliban-ISI-Taliban-ISI-Taliban-Pak Military-Taliban-ISI-America-Pak Military-Taliban-America-ISI-America-Taliban-ISI

To the NATO arsenal of cruise missiles and fleets of B52 and Stealth bombers, are now added swarms of the low-cost, field-tested, drones.

Did WikiLeaks tell you that? They didn't have to. I believe our people in KPK and Waziristan know all about those drones. Actually, they could probably tell you a thing or two.

Arrest Kayani and company, Mr. Gilani, and save Pakistan, its people and your own self.

Aye-Aye sir. Immediately. Absolutely. Without fail. But tell me my fair political pundit: Phir kya?

And now that I have wasted an hour on your idiocy, let me go back to my own.

Much love,



bakatron said...

chowk - a site full of intellectards (the new desi pseudo-intellectual with access to the internet).

Anonymous said...

You know sumthing babe i hate POLI-TIKS :x

Mackers said...

"when British born terrorists blew up the trains (et al) did the world declare war against Britain?"

hmmm. As much as I like your article. Bad analogy. Bad bad analogy. Diff is that some countries are accusing are governmental organs of being complicit in terror.

Still, Syed Hussain ji seems to have held his breath too long as child.

About that underwater U.S laboratory causing earthquakes, I heard that it was because they were trying to steal other countries oil, from down below. Makes sense to me

Desert Mystery said...

Articles at can be only described as written by intelibrutos

Anonymous said...

lol :-)

xeb, that was funny (couldn't read all of it. sorry!)

you sound like bellow's herzog! great writing!

crackfire said...

Haha looks like Mt. H didn't take a course in logic. I blame ISI errr Pak Military errr Taliban for destroying the educational infrastructure in your country.

Anyho Mr. H does indeed raise some kidish but than you do know Kids say the darnest things, which might be true some times.

But why does he wants V to act, from where I come from all these ISI, Pal Mil, Taliban, V and cohorts are bad ass. We must keel them lol

Deepak Iyer said...

P.S. Say's?
P.P.S Too many uses of 'come' can cause unintended double entendres [:P]

(You know those relatives who annoy you by pestering you about your marriage? The word verification at your blog is even more annoying for us!)

Xeb said...


Shame on you!


Deepak Iyer said...

Since when did pointing out grammatical mistakes become *ewww* ?? [:P]