April 5, 2010

There are days when I wish I could press a button and reinvent myself. Change everything about me in a heatbeat. Something like what the makers of Star Trek did by placing the whole Enterprise team in a time-space warp leading to parallel reality where everything is the same, yet nothing is.

Coming back to the motherland is strangely disconcerting. Mistakes I hoped were dead and buried in my younger - significantly more reckless past - surface with frustrating regularity. And while I'm not averse to more recent, err, adventures, I detest coming face-to-face with how stupid-I-once-was.It's almost as if I was a different person then. And I'm a different person now. (Or I'd like to be).

Except it's not easy is it? Becoming someone else, even if that someone else is just yourself.

Former-me disappoints me in her lack of foresight. I don't understand how she could throw caution to the winds and just do things because they 'felt' right. (I don't understand how so many wrongs managed to feel right in the first place). Former-me was reckless, and stupid, and in her reckless stupidity didn't understand that the world does not revolve around her, that everyone she meets is not going to love her, that she cannot get what she wants when she wants it, and that the world at large is not focused on worshiping the ground beneath her feet. Silly girl, former-me.

But even as I look down on former-me's naive self-confidence, I wonder if she came face-to-face with present-me, would she approve of what I have become? Or would she tell me that I'm an idiot. Would she remind me that I'm 27, not 200 and tell me to throw away the baggage of cynical distrust and just believe - with all the naive enthusiasm that former-me was capable of - that humanity is ultimately good, that there 'is' such a thing as love and I-will-find-it, that relationships are meant to last and that they're worth investing in, that commitment is something to cherish not run-away from. Wisdom, she might say, is not always found in those who live longest.

So there I am, caught between former-me and present-me and not sure who wins out into future me. All I know is that assuming a button makes itself to my universe, there is little doubt that I'd be tempted to reinvent myself.

The real question is, who the hell do I want to become?

11 comments:

Medha said...

Your header is admirable, very.

Esha said...

and the real answer is: if its anything other than you, you already have the button. All you have to do is to press it. Simple.

Xeb said...

M: Thank you :)

E: Is it really (all-that-simple)?

kay-tee said...

You wrote my heart out!

Xeb said...

:)

Anonymous said...

terribly deep for a tuesday morning.

deep down, i think we know what we want to be/do, we're just scared or just don't believe we can do it or that we deserve it. very boring of us. inaction and lack of belief in ourselves is the only thing to regret.

Saad said...

"Former-me was reckless, and stupid, and in her reckless stupidity didn't understand that the world does not revolve around her, that everyone she meets is not going to love her, that she cannot get what she wants when she wants it, and that the world at large is not focused on worshiping the ground beneath her feet."

that's different from current-you how precisely????

noone said...

you can become a tree
or may be a flower
or may be a rabbit
or may be an owl

whatever

:D

Xeb said...

Anon: It was just that kind of Monday night/Tuesday morning! :P

Boid: Former-me was naive. Present-me is not. Which doesn't mean that present-me doesn't make mistakes, it's just that present-me really doesn't expect too much. Coming face to face with former-me's folly means coming face to face with the number of times I've trusted, only to be let down. Believed, only to be disproved, and loved, only to be heartbroken. Someone wise once said something to the effect of, when you have a heart it's a nuisance because you end up heartbroken. But not to have a heart is a nuisance as well, because you have no choice but to be empty on the inside. Bottom line: Life kinda sucks!

n: Whatever, whatever! :P

Saad said...

methinks you give present-you too much credit! =P

Xeb said...

Boid: You think I give myself too much credit regardless of what stage of life I'm in. It's a 'you' assessment methinks! :P