Maybe part of this is because I've yet to 'settle' in Islamabad. With some exceptions I've yet to make friends in this place. I have way too many acquaintances and I've partied with a different 'gang' every weekend. Which may sound appealing to some, but the truth is it's tiring. It's tiring meeting new people and trying to get to know them. I enjoy studying power dynamics, I hate living through them. Possibly because I know the ropes so well now: I meet you, you meet me. First you look at me - what I look like, what I'm wearing - and you form an opinion. Depending on what sort of person you are (or what sort of mood I'm in) you either find me charming or you think I talk too much. Either way, you're evaluating me every step of the way. You're opinion forming (and re-forming) every time you ask me where I'm from and what I do. You find out I live alone and you wonder how easy I may be and whether it's worth your while to hit on me. You try (and depending on my mood) you get somewhere or nowhere. Either way, the experience impacts your opinion. By the end of the night (or nights) you're still exploring who I am (or what I am) and by this time I'm simply exhausted from the same-old-conversation-about-the-same-old-things evaluating (on my end) whether this particular 'gang' has potential or not.
And I wish (really, really) that I could import every single one of 'my people' from I.House (and beyond) and make them live in this building with me. Because that's what I need to be happy right now: My people IN my life. Not on my facebook wall, not in photo notifications, not in facebook status updates. I want them here taking me out dancing, knocking at my door at 4:00am for chai, making me maggi noodles in the middle of the night because I'm hungry, arranging dinner outings to obscure places and laughing - I miss the laughing - at everything: shared pleasure, shared pain - the laughing made everything feel okay. That was then, but now we're all dispersed to different parts of the world and I see you on facebook every day. And while I'm truly happy to see you settled, happy, living-it-up wherever you are. Facebook gives me this tiny selfish ache in my heart - an ache that demands that you be here with me - or I be there with you, depending on whichever place is funner-to-be in.
I think I'm going to boycott facebook.