March 27, 2010

Nostalgia is hitting me from all sides this morning. I have reached only one conclusion: Facebook is evil. The stupid portal forces me to abandon modus operandi. To tell you the truth, it's become the bane of my life. There's no way to disassociate myself from things that make me uncomfortable. I am forced to stalk people I would much rather have never been part of my life (and don't go giving me all that free will bullshit, you know facebook compels you to do these things). I'm forced to come face to face with all that I had, and all that I've lost. It plays me songs that upset me (Empire State of Mind, for one) and long for better times and better friends. Facebook keeps throwing in my face all the fabulous things other people are up to in other parts of the world while I'm stuck in the motherland trying to make sense of why-I'm-not-married-as-yet. And the truth is, I never used to do long distance. I'm pretty bad at staying in touch with anyone who doesn't make most of the effort. It's only friends I met everyday that I'd let into my life (the others could catch up with me once in a few years over coffee). But that's no longer true. Now I know what everyone is doing ALL the time. And it makes me feel like I'm living a bit-of-a long distance existence. Where my most honest conversations now take place with on skype or gtalk instead of over a cup of chai in my room.

Maybe part of this is because I've yet to 'settle' in Islamabad. With some exceptions I've yet to make friends in this place. I have way too many acquaintances and I've partied with a different 'gang' every weekend. Which may sound appealing to some, but the truth is it's tiring. It's tiring meeting new people and trying to get to know them. I enjoy studying power dynamics, I hate living through them. Possibly because I know the ropes so well now: I meet you, you meet me. First you look at me - what I look like, what I'm wearing - and you form an opinion. Depending on what sort of person you are (or what sort of mood I'm in) you either find me charming or you think I talk too much. Either way, you're evaluating me every step of the way. You're opinion forming (and re-forming) every time you ask me where I'm from and what I do. You find out I live alone and you wonder how easy I may be and whether it's worth your while to hit on me. You try (and depending on my mood) you get somewhere or nowhere. Either way, the experience impacts your opinion. By the end of the night (or nights) you're still exploring who I am (or what I am) and by this time I'm simply exhausted from the same-old-conversation-about-the-same-old-things evaluating (on my end) whether this particular 'gang' has potential or not.

And I wish (really, really) that I could import every single one of 'my people' from I.House (and beyond) and make them live in this building with me. Because that's what I need to be happy right now: My people IN my life. Not on my facebook wall, not in photo notifications, not in facebook status updates. I want them here taking me out dancing, knocking at my door at 4:00am for chai, making me maggi noodles in the middle of the night because I'm hungry, arranging dinner outings to obscure places and laughing - I miss the laughing - at everything: shared pleasure, shared pain - the laughing made everything feel okay. That was then, but now we're all dispersed to different parts of the world and I see you on facebook every day. And while I'm truly happy to see you settled, happy, living-it-up wherever you are. Facebook gives me this tiny selfish ache in my heart - an ache that demands that you be here with me - or I be there with you, depending on whichever place is funner-to-be in.

I think I'm going to boycott facebook.



Deepak Iyer said...

Yes, you probably want to boycott Facebook and move to Twitter.
While Facebook makes you feel sad about what everyone else is doing, Twitter makes you realize how much smarter you are compared to others .. with every single tweet [;)].
You could probably do with that boost.

noone said...

i call facebook the 'Panchayat' book.if you know the word

Manasi Dhanorkar said...

I feel like someone read my thoughts and put them down :)

Xeb said...

D: Thanks for the tip! :) And yes, I could probably do with the boost! :P

n: I know the word. And I would agree.

M: :)

Anonymous said...

please please please go down with the sinking ship and don't abandon us!