I have realized one thing though: Hedonism is an acquired taste. Once acquired, however, the taste is very difficult to forget and very difficult to leave behind. What is also difficult to leave behind, believe-it-or-not, are past mistakes. Regardless of what one does from now onwards, the idiocies from your past will catch up to you when you least expect it. And - as happened to me last night - those idiocies will smile straight at you, look you in the eye and force you to acknowledge the sheer stupidity you indulged in once-upon-a-time on the path to self-destruction.
Not for the last time have I been very, very grateful to N for being my savior when I needed one. I regret that he decided to quit when he did because it appears a savior would be quite handy aaj kal. Or maybe that's what life is trying to teach me (one-weekend-at-a-time): that there 'is' no one out there who's going to swoop in and save me (again). This time around, I need to do it all by myself. And even as the realization hits, I think: *fuck* this story is going to get so bloody complicated if I have to write it all by myself.
Because convoluted minds, my love, can't think in a straight line. We need to draw tangents between a thousand different directions. Create snowflakey complications within simple circles. Do things we know are not-quite-kosher, if only because right-and-wrong needs to be experientially established before it can be internalized. We will, despite ourselves (in the face of outright derision from our more advanced faculties), make mountains out of mole-hills and also mole-hills out of mountains, just because - when all is said and done - we can.
Except all of us 'can' do a lot of things. Which doesn't necessarily imply that we 'should'. But, as we all know darlings, if people are 'me', chances are very good that we will. Humanity is a glutton for punishment (has been ever since Adam, Eve and that god-forsaken apple), and it seems (quite unfortunately) that I am very-very human.