February 24, 2010

The human courtship dance is interesting to watch. Conversations are loaded with meaning, each gaze is significant, each tiny-little-touch worth noticing and reading into. In general, I'm a patient - if somewhat skeptical - observer of the the beginnings of a new relationship, but a few days ago as I saw a friend of mine embark on a romantic adventure I realized something: I'm just plain jealous.

The green isn't because I lack companionship, or people to flirt with (remember life is rather, err, interesting aaj kal). But because I suddenly came face-to-face with what I've been missing: The rather unique fantasy created when two people decide that they're in love. An introspective bubble where no one exists except for you - and I - and the world fades away into the far distance.

I miss being in love. I miss the nuances and the comforts and even - if I'm being perfectly honest - I miss the knowing there's someone out there I have the power to hurt. But most of all, I miss the intensity. I miss the all-consuming-blindness where the 'I' seizes to matter and everything is about 'us'.

And I hate knowing that this is the one thing I can't control. I can decide who to date (and who not to). I can decide who to jump into a relationship with (and who to stay far away from). Were I so inclined, I could decide who to marry (and who to turn down). But I find I cannot conveniently decide who I'm going to fall in love with. And more annoyingly, who will fall in love with me.

And so, my lovelies, the cynic demands the fairy-tale. Irony features quite prominently in the story of my life, does it not?. *sigh*

4 comments:

BaptizedLucifer said...

smetimes i wish i could rewind time and go back to the falling in love phase where like u said, every look, every touch, every word... ethced so deep... hehe ab to he can keep on talking and i'll be thinking about what im going to be wearing at so and so;s wedding lol :)

Xeb said...

Sigh. You paint a very sad picture of the post-marital (or is long-term-relationship) scenario. I wonder if its better to relationship-hop. Atleast that way you can savor the feeling for as long as it lasts before moving on to the next one...

Arunima said...

i am married, happily infact but I miss that life taht you are leading. getting confused and jealous. :-)

Xeb said...

Haha, I'm jealous myself. I think we're stuck in a cycle of perpetual envy, no matter where we are in life. Quite silly human beings...