"u know what, i have been ur most loyal anonymous reader since u started blogging. i was there at the very beginning when ur blog was just another blog with no gravitas. I was also there when reading autumn leaves became all the rage in *ahem* certain circles. And I was there when u uploaded ur 'bucket list' that had marrying saad akhtar listed as the top priority in ur life. so hell yes it hurts when the outspoken xeb uncharacteristically ignores the 60-foot elephant in the room and flat out refuses to post about 'the breakup'."
- Annoying Anon
I've only been this speechless once before, that was when I was being crowned 'may-queen' at LUMS, sometime in 2005. For all those who have not experienced it, the pleasure in winning a much-touted, unnecessarily glorified popularity contest is absolutely, shamelessly incredible. That particular moment comes to mind, because on that night - when I felt absolutely vindicated for everything I had become during the four years at college- was when I knew, without any doubt, that there was no way to salvage a relationship which was spiraling down so fast neither of us knew how to catch it, hold it, nurture it, make it better. That night we had resolved to let things be, let it ride for just a little bit longer, just enjoy the moment. And the truth is, it was one of the few nights when we didn't have yet another stupid fight, over yet another stupid issue. But if I had to pick a moment in time when I could no longer live in denial of what was - and more importantly, what was not - that night would be it.
It has annoyed me, and then amused me in equal proportions, to have annoying-anon constantly harper on about Saad and I (because it has been such a long time since Xeb-Saad were spoken off as one word), but his/her/it's latest comment is interesting. I wonder how many readers actually feel that they have some sort of a claim on my life. That when I write, I write for 'them', and that being so they deserve an explanation when none is due. And I wonder if their claims are valid. And more importantly, I wonder if I want to give their claims validity - such as I am giving this one - by not only acknowledging it, but actually responding to it. But in this case, maybe because you genuinely seem to care, I'm going to step talking about the principle of the thing and simply try to respond as best I can.
You ask me, why I ignore the 60 foot elephant in the room. I ask you, what makes you think there's an elephant at all? Saad Akhtar is, and always will be, a person who I love very-very much. There is a uniquely giving quality about a child's love that is quintessentially unselfish. Some of you may understand what I mean, when I say that adults could not sustain a relationship a couple of children jumped into. And that, is what happened. Nothing more, nothing less. I realized that in order to be with Saad I would have to change the person I had become. The person he believed I could be. In so many ways 'Xeb' - owes her very existence to that relationship, without him, I would not be 'me', and as you all know, I really am quite fond of myself. The irony of the situation was this: if I actually, truly wanted to achieve what I had put as number one on my bucket list, I would have to seize to be me and become someone else altogether. And that was no longer possible.
Today, Saad is - despite all the water under this bridge - my best friend, my conscience, my harshest - and meanest - critic but also my most trusted advisor. Yet he will never be the one for me. As I was not the one for him. This we know as well - and as honestly - as we know each other. Which is why we are both at peace, with each other and with ourselves. And since 2005, I have fallen in love again, and the truth is that 'that' love was deeper, more intense and more adult then what I felt before. And when that ended, and in many ways the wounds were much deeper.
So that's the story. Life, my anonymous friend, rarely has symmetrical patterns. Things don't go as planned, and often items placed high on the bucket list are chucked out and erased long before one actually conks off. But I don't have it in me to hold on to the past and wish that things never-meant to work out, did. I'm gratified you've been following my life for that long. I have no idea why I'm of any interest to you (or to anyone really) but since I am, and since you asked, suffice it to say that when a chapter closes I'm not interested in going back and dissecting the past. I'm more interested in knowing what the future will bring me. I'd suggest you do the same, else you stop reading. I'll miss you, but I think I can live without you.