December 14, 2009

"u know what, i have been ur most loyal anonymous reader since u started blogging. i was there at the very beginning when ur blog was just another blog with no gravitas. I was also there when reading autumn leaves became all the rage in *ahem* certain circles. And I was there when u uploaded ur 'bucket list' that had marrying saad akhtar listed as the top priority in ur life. so hell yes it hurts when the outspoken xeb uncharacteristically ignores the 60-foot elephant in the room and flat out refuses to post about 'the breakup'."
- Annoying Anon


*wow*

I've only been this speechless once before, that was when I was being crowned 'may-queen' at LUMS, sometime in 2005. For all those who have not experienced it, the pleasure in winning a much-touted, unnecessarily glorified popularity contest is absolutely, shamelessly incredible. That particular moment comes to mind, because on that night - when I felt absolutely vindicated for everything I had become during the four years at college- was when I knew, without any doubt, that there was no way to salvage a relationship which was spiraling down so fast neither of us knew how to catch it, hold it, nurture it, make it better. That night we had resolved to let things be, let it ride for just a little bit longer, just enjoy the moment. And the truth is, it was one of the few nights when we didn't have yet another stupid fight, over yet another stupid issue. But if I had to pick a moment in time when I could no longer live in denial of what was - and more importantly, what was not - that night would be it.

It has annoyed me, and then amused me in equal proportions, to have annoying-anon constantly harper on about Saad and I (because it has been such a long time since Xeb-Saad were spoken off as one word), but his/her/it's latest comment is interesting. I wonder how many readers actually feel that they have some sort of a claim on my life. That when I write, I write for 'them', and that being so they deserve an explanation when none is due. And I wonder if their claims are valid. And more importantly, I wonder if I want to give their claims validity - such as I am giving this one - by not only acknowledging it, but actually responding to it. But in this case, maybe because you genuinely seem to care, I'm going to step talking about the principle of the thing and simply try to respond as best I can.

You ask me, why I ignore the 60 foot elephant in the room. I ask you, what makes you think there's an elephant at all? Saad Akhtar is, and always will be, a person who I love very-very much. There is a uniquely giving quality about a child's love that is quintessentially unselfish. Some of you may understand what I mean, when I say that adults could not sustain a relationship a couple of children jumped into. And that, is what happened. Nothing more, nothing less. I realized that in order to be with Saad I would have to change the person I had become. The person he believed I could be. In so many ways 'Xeb' - owes her very existence to that relationship, without him, I would not be 'me', and as you all know, I really am quite fond of myself. The irony of the situation was this: if I actually, truly wanted to achieve what I had put as number one on my bucket list, I would have to seize to be me and become someone else altogether. And that was no longer possible.

Today, Saad is - despite all the water under this bridge - my best friend, my conscience, my harshest - and meanest - critic but also my most trusted advisor. Yet he will never be the one for me. As I was not the one for him. This we know as well - and as honestly - as we know each other. Which is why we are both at peace, with each other and with ourselves. And since 2005, I have fallen in love again, and the truth is that 'that' love was deeper, more intense and more adult then what I felt before. And when that ended, and in many ways the wounds were much deeper.

So that's the story. Life, my anonymous friend, rarely has symmetrical patterns. Things don't go as planned, and often items placed high on the bucket list are chucked out and erased long before one actually conks off. But I don't have it in me to hold on to the past and wish that things never-meant to work out, did. I'm gratified you've been following my life for that long. I have no idea why I'm of any interest to you (or to anyone really) but since I am, and since you asked, suffice it to say that when a chapter closes I'm not interested in going back and dissecting the past. I'm more interested in knowing what the future will bring me. I'd suggest you do the same, else you stop reading. I'll miss you, but I think I can live without you.

33 comments:

brok3n said...

I read. And now Im gon' go and process it...o.o not what happened or didn't... but the thing about moving on and looking forward.... hmm..

heewa said...

the thing is, what you are, who you are, what you do, is all a part of you. and its yours. while everyone wants to know everything, it isnt right.
and right now, i want to kick most loyal anon's ass majorly.

Saad said...

I like how you conveniently ignore how hard Saad had to work to make sure that he became "my best friend, my conscience, my harshest - and meanest - critic but also my most trusted advisor." Took effort. Effort that deserves applauding - or lauding at the very least.

I love you, moti. And you don't owe anyone explanations. If anyone does, it's me.

waisay, you've never been very good at the 'moving on' part. you're getting better now though!

Xeb said...

b: :)

h: You may kick Saad's ass for the
self glorifying 'moving on' comment below.

boid: apologize for self-glorification (at my expense) or await heewa's ass-kicking.

Saad said...

i didn't mean with me, moron mountain! i meant in general you've never been very good at it!

Xeb said...

Boid: You have to recognize, the amount of moving on from emotional set backs I've done since 05 has made me a pro at it by now! :P I could write a book on how to carry-on as if nothing has happened. Maybe I should. Then I could retire on the royalties.

Deepak Iyer said...

Of all the things I can think of commenting about, here's the least uncomfortable one :
A slightly belated congratulations for the 'May-queen' thing.

Xeb said...

:)

Thanks. I must tell you, In general I loathe popularity contests. Unless I win ofcourse, then they're great! ;)

Deepak Iyer said...

Oh yes, that is obvious.
You and attention seeking popularity contests that might feed narcissism ??
Tauba tauba [:P]

Xeb said...

Hahahah! :P

Attention seeking and moi? You wound me with these baseless allegations Deepak. Wound me deeply.

Anonymous said...

you know,xeb, i felt sad for anon. on reading this. not because i'm an anon. myself, but because he/she seems to have invested so much of her/his time in someone else's story.

How do we know said...

hey,..i loved reading this.. very, very rarely, we lose a love and get back a friend.. it doesnt always happen, and Congratulations that its happened to you...

Ali said...

Didn't read the whole post. But u were the batch queen. WOW!!!

sharbet said...

This is kind of strange and funny in a way. I don't think that you need to justify life, changes and changes of priorities. It happens, especially with those romances at college. It's so good that it turned out to be a positive for you eventually. I just broke off completely with mine.

Xeb said...

Also-Anon: True. Annoying-Anon is quite sad.

HDWN: Thanks! :) Keep reading.

A: Err, yes I was. Why would you not read the whole post though?

s: You be right. These things happen. They're painful, and unexpected and unwanted when they do. But they happen and one deals with it. Mostly because those of us who live in the real world rarely have any other choice.

Saad said...

do i also not get credit for all of the effort i put in to make sure you were the most popular person in the batch? you have to admit that took some doing given how many people you'd pissed off over the years! =P

man, i miss you. aaja!

Xeb said...

boid: 'whateva' :P

Ali said...

i have now but before i was getting ready for convocation today :P

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

Waisay wats ur secret... how can u be frnds wid ur ex?

Anonymous said...

yeah, xeb, but more sad *for* than sad, if u know what i mean.

Xeb said...

A: Congrats on graduating :)

LPS: No secret, it's just the way it is. :)

Also-Anon: I get what you mean.

Deepak Iyer said...

Whoa .. lots of comments here.
Looking at how many of the comments are about the title you won, I get a sneaaaaky suspicion this whole post was just to tell everyone that you were the 'May Queen' of some college some year [:P]

You *must* write a post how it felt winning the prestigious post .. and why your career was cut short before you could go on to win titles like Miss Xeb (best of all Xebs), Mrs. World and Miss Whatever-apartment-you-live-in.

Xeb said...

'Must' I Deepak? Because your feelings would be hurt and you'll break down and cry if I don't? :P

Ps: Unintentional consequence it be, but throwing out the title can't hurt my street cred can it? :P

Anonymous said...

I must bow down before my god for being able to read your blog....you're my "love guru" i need to learn the "art of moving on" PLEASE HELPPPPP i need it badddd

Saad said...

"Waisay wats ur secret... how can u be frnds wid ur ex?"

"No secret, it's just the way it is. :)"

BULLSHIT!!!

Xeb said...

Anon: *shoo* I don't like you.

Boid: Haha :P

Okay fine, LPS, the secret is to refuse to be friends, refuse to be anything except for hurt and then run around and be miserable for the longest time. In the meantime you let the ex run circles trying his level best to make up to you, make you feel better. You make him beg, and plead and generally turn head-over-heels trying to be-friend you. And then - but only then - do you graciously give in.

Khush boid?

ibteda said...

Hey, I'm new enough not to have known the existence of Saad Akhtar before this post :)
I'm so bad at moving on that when A. refused to marry me, I went on a hunger strike till he did. Hehe.

Xeb said...

i: Hahaha! I must admit that is something I would never have thought of! I'm glad it worked for you though :P

Saad said...

ibteda: since you seem to be a minority here, allow me to bring you into the fold.

My name is Saad Akhtar. I'm responsible for all of you *not* referring to the author of this blog as Xany!

ibteda said...

Xeb - Lol, I'm sure you wouldn't have thought of proposing a friend who had absolutely no clue about your feelings, till your mom gives you an ultimatum to choose someone or be committed to someone she chooses :D

Saad - I'm gad we dont call her Xany - blame the middle age crisis, but Xany makes me think Granny :D

Xeb said...

i: Is that what you did? Nice! :P The problem with my life is, if my mom gives me that sort of ultimatum, I'd have no choice but to just marry someone of her choosing! :P There seems to be no one I can emotionally blackmail into marrying me! *hehe*

ibteda said...

Hehe, yeah, I'd known him two years, 'chosen' him for one I guess, but I originally wanted to 'charm' him int proposing himself, which is difficult when you live in different cities & have no 'scene' so to say.
But then this, stupid perfect family, perfect job, perfect gentleman, perfect priorities guy proposed the conventional way & mom was of-course sold!
And thus, I had to say Good Bye to my ego & force no ask him myself! :D

Xeb said...

Good for you I say! :P Your story is inspirational. I suspect by sitting around and waiting for the-promised-accountant to just show up I may be making a mistake. Maybe I should start haunting accountant-y haunts and then just propose to the likeliest of the lot. The hunger strike option is always a possibility if the man does not feel inclined to cooperate.

*hmm*