October 4, 2009

You asked me to marry you. And I turned you down. All the while recognizing that you are a wonderful person, that you're funny, charming, very-very intelligent, grounded and despite-even that that-lovely-blue-passport. You asked me to marry you. And I turned you down. Even though you were persistent, and solicitous and you made every excuse possible to justify my cruel flippancy. You asked me to marry you. And I turned you down. Even though you declared you were in love with me. You asked me to marry you. And I turned you down. Knowing that all the factors were in place, my parents would have been thrilled - and yours - and the random aunt who tried her best to throw us together. Knowing that socially, culturally, religiously this was a 'good match'.

You asked me to marry you. And I turned you down.

And I thought all along that I had the right reasons. That you did not make my heart beat faster when I entered a room. That you were 'too' caring, too solicitous, too willing to let-me-walk-all-over-you. That you were needy, and clingy and that I made you insecure (I've never made anyone insecure, if anything I've been taken for granted on occasion). You put me on a pedestal, I turned you down because I thought you didn't see 'me' just some sort of glorified perception of your female ideal. And as much as I liked you as a person, I couldn't see myself living with you for the rest of my life. And even though everyone (including you) kept telling me this was just a bad-time for me emotionally, and I shouldn't make any rash decisions, I made it anyway, all the while telling myself that I knew what I was doing.


I just read your email.


You asked her to marry you. She said yes. You're engaged now. Soon to be married.


And for the first time since the last-time-I-said-no I'm actually wondering, did I make the right decision? Could I have learned to feel for you what you felt for me? Was I actually being kind (as-I-thought-I-was) in my cruelty when I forced you to stop pursuing me? Was it just a bad time for me? Were you as needy as I thought you were or did I just need more space than I ever have before?

Or am I just behaving like the kid in the candy-store who wants a particular sweet just because someone told him he can't have it any more?

24 comments:

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

hey.. yeh kya hai... Dont go down that path..

Anonymous said...

I can do relate to this..

APOO said...

Marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont repeat your mistake by saying no :-P

mehreenkasana said...

You're behaving like the child who said no to the first candy offered and then cried for it when the other girl took it home.

Not good.

brok3n said...

You have such gossip commenters =/ ....but umm..Im just gonna' say whats done is done..thre's no going back, if the guy's happy then let him be....... right? ..I dont know... Anyways, GREYS ANATOMY IS BACK!!1!

Anonymous said...

You deserve sooo much better!!! You're such a strong lady...you inspire me soo much

ARandomGuy said...

Well, your post reminded me of my-ex..i was blamed for caring too much.. i dunno wats wrong with that..i dont think one can do this without giving a 100%, then why blame someone for caring too much..

No one is needy or clingy, some ppl just care too much

shotgunfacelift said...

Man, this would actually have been a good read if I didn't have to read that 'and I turned you down' line every two seconds.

Also - Erm, I'm finding this post disturbing to say the least. The 'good' things you've listed about this guy are appalling. Such as him having a 'blue' passport and so on.

And you 'regretting' it later on is not on. You made your decision, now deal with the consequences.

Your fairy tale prince in shining armour with a blue passport who makes your heart beat faster when he enters a room and is the perfect ratio of caring:asshole is going to be a very unlikely find.

Desert Mystery said...

Its the Quetta air that makes one have crazy thoughts. No wonder Al-Qaeda be releasing videos from there talking about taking over the world :oP

mehreenkasana said...

Wow, Anonymous. Aren't you one mighty little warrior out there on the internet.

S said...

I won't comment on the post, coz I don't have anything worth saying... But Mr. Anonymous fascinates me... "I will tie your tattas.. blah blah" says the 'man' without the 'tattas' to post his name (or even an identifier of some sort)... It's amazing how the internet lets mice play men...

Anonymous said...

kasana, you can be all coy and subtle in your verbal crusades but just keep the consequences in mind. my philosophy is simple, if you 'spit' on my face, i will 'piss' on yours (please watch R.Kelly's masterful performance in 'that video' for reference). my advice: let sleeping dogs lie.

@Shotgunfacelift, i dont think xeb has any penis envy so not quite sure how u made ur point? given that ur penis size was in ur genes, im sure it will be more appropriate to discuss the nature of ur mom's gag reflex when ur dad made his seminal intrusion

dear S (for lack of a better name) how about we discuss an anonymous person's Q&A profile in ur living room over some chai and samosas. the fact that an anonymous person is calling another anonymous 'chootia' for well being just anonymous is so wrong ...no? see u soon S (insert 'kissies and 'huggies')..

mehreenkasana said...

Wow, you're stupid. D:

Can't believe she lets people like you troll her blog. Damn. Tsk tsk.

ibteda. said...

Ahem Xeb.. I did have sometning to say, but this comment thread has had the effect of totally erasing i from my mind.
So, I guess, I'll just say no use crying over spilt milk huh?

Anonymous said...

One Anonymous is spoling it for all the rest of us...what the hell!!!

Love-guru said...

I think you've made the right decision. That would've been a gay relationship, and it would've obviously been a compromise.

Its better to die lonely, than to be tortured to death. Kisses can be fucking lethal.

JDèé said...

Having double-thoughts over important decisions, it always happens. Don't be hard on yourself or overthink it. Just let it go. You made the right decision.
Also, there is a reason they invented comment moderation.

mehreenkasana said...

What? Lol. No, man. That wasn't me. Sure shows how slow you are. I mean, thinking Anonymous is me just because my post's above it. Your logical reasoning amazes me. Honestly. D:

Anonymous said...

Been there. Even 'I' have been there Kapadia. Just a mutant thought. Squash it. Now.

I don't know why I'm writing this anonymously. Never done it before. Care to guess?

Xeb said...

Anon: Because you're inspired by all the other anon's out there!? :P I speculate you be Ali Hasanain. How (in)accurate am I?

Deepak Iyer said...

How stupid do you think your readers are ?? White color ? Seriously ??? [:P]

Anonymous said...

lol

Salman Latif said...

I guess its the same I-want-what-i-cant-have phenomenon. You'll get over it in time.

Anonymous said...

M?