I discover the best way to deal with awful days is to go to bed and not wake up until the day is long gone. My mood is still as black as it was yesterday - maybe because sleep, as usual, means dreams-entirely-too-vivid-for-comfort. But it consoles me to see that the deity and I are on the same page today, if the raging thunderstorm outside is any reflection.
I've always loved storms. The deep sounds of thunder, flashes of lightning, pouring rain and other-stormy-things ironically tend to soothe my soul. Today is no exception. I wonder sometimes what kind of strange person appreciates a raging, roaring river that runs outside the boundary walls, a river that threatens to consume everything in its path more than she does the usually calm, peaceful, somewhat placid stream. But as somebody very wise (I-forget-who) said, 'I yam, who I yam' and I may as well learn to be happy with it.
The apartment (or the lack of it) has become a real burden. I feel like a castaway who keeps seeing land on the next horizon, only to realize that the horizon is much-much further off than he thought. Yesterday, when my laptop crashed and had to be sent away, I felt like the only stable thing in my life had also deserted me. The fish asked me, when told him I was moving to Islamabad, if this move was 'permanent'. I remember I struggled for a few seconds wondering what to say, and then I told him I don't know what permanent is.
I don't know what I expected when I decided to move to Islamabad, but I didn't realize how depressing utter and complete transience can be. It's exciting to travel, living out of a suitcase has its moments-I'm-sure, but I'm a being who desperately craves her own space. At the moment, all I have is an office cubicle. I've asked for my car to be sent to me from Karachi, even though I'm not quite certain I'd appreciate navigating my way in and out of Barakaho every day, because I'm tired of 'requesting' my office for a borrowed car. But it occurs to me that being a slightly more mobile nomad is still, when-all-is-said-and-done, being a nomad.