July 28, 2009

There are many-many ways to tell if one has 'grown up', none of which actually include the biological process of aging. One of these I discover is when I'm called to weigh the practicalities of assumed responsibility against personal inclination and choose the former over the latter. Translated into business terms, I find Xeb-knows-she's-gotten-older when she decides not to take a trip to Karachi (sacrificing supplementing a meagre wardrobe) not because staying here to work will pay her more (because she's getting paid plenty either way), or because she can't afford the trip (airtickets are free) but because she's suddenly conscious of a responsibility that is associated with leading a team, and heading a unit. I find that I'm incapable of going home to re-pack my bags and jetting off to another city without considering the implications not in terms of parties I have to attend (I-must-admit-that-has-been-an-important-consideration-in-the-past) but rather in terms of work I have to do, and the results I'm hoping to achieve. I'm a little impressed and a little depressed over this decision to give precedence to work over trivial-profundities. Impressed because I didn't realize I had reached the point where I could make the right decision without supervision, pressure or someone-to-impress out there. More than that, once I made the call, it also takes a certain degree of 'grown-up-ness' to realize that it was - at the end of the day - the right one. That said, whether it's biological, or attitudinal, growing-up signifies (in-a-bitter-sweet-sort-of-way) the end of yet another phase of my life and even as I register that something is gained, I also register that yet another peice of childhood is lost and - possibly - gone forever.

10 comments:

JDèé said...

Welcome to work-life! It sucks! You'll love it!

Annie said...

Your entry is sweet and sour at a time when i am totally having a quarter-life crisis... I do the same, with much pride at being responsible and not as 'childish' as I was even a year back, but something inside me, everytime this happens, is left oh-so-forlorn for that past-me...Where there was me, and endless possibilities of how I could choosetobe, choosetodo, choosetogo...

*sigh,sigh,sigh*....

MH said...

where do u work! sounds mighty responsibility-filled:)

Xeb said...

JD: Haha, atleast I shall have lots of fodder for future blog entries.

Annie: I hear you. Sigh.

MH: At the moment I'm consulting on the enterprise component of a large USAID funded health initiative, but from next month on I will be heading the Curriculum Design and Training unit of a Islamabad-based development sector consultancy. And yes, being head means very few checks on what I do and a lot of freedom to jet here/there anywhere, occasionally on whimsy. Unfortunately, leading a team leaves little room for whimsy. And therein lies the dilemma! *sigh*

S said...

Woman, I refuse to feel bad for you because you've come to realize that you're kickin' ass at your job... I shant feed the demon... :)

Xeb said...

S: Most demons don't wait to be 'fed' before they 'feed' (if-you-know-what-I-mean). This one be no exception! *hehe*

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

I havent grown up i guess....

Xeb said...

L: Lucky you! :P

Deepak Iyer said...

Agree with S.

Don't come to us unless you are really suffering. Now shoo off.

Salman Latif said...

If that's how we realize being grown up, I guess I grew up quite a while ago :( though of course the brief interruptions of an occasional respite off the regular course are oftener :D