June 4, 2009

All I can say is, I'm sorry. And that I didn't use to be like this. I was neither fickle nor flippant, although at present I know I appear to be both. But even as I apologize for it I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to revert to the person I was once-upon-a-time-when-life-was-less-complicated. I'm not entirely certain, morever, that I'd want to. The first boy I ever 'fell' in love with was four years older to me at school. He was the epitome of cool and a shy, lonely just turned teenager fell head-over-heels for a self-created illusion. The illusion stayed with me for years, long after he finished his A-levels and left the country for his undergrad. I cherished the memories of the single time we had a conversation that lasted longer than ten minutes, the time he held my hand as we crossed a road (only because in a what-was-in-hindsight-a-brilliant-move I had confessed to him that I was afraid of the cars zipping by) long-long after he was gone. I fell in love again a little later with a boy who I kissed on lonely steps under starlit Lahori skies. I stayed in love for years this time with unparalleled intensity. My life revolved around him, and I was happy to let it. Until it ended. And I painfully came face to face with the underlying truth in Oscar Wilde's assertion that perhaps the only lifelong romance is 'to love oneself'. I fell in love for the third time not too long ago, but that story was also an abbreviated one. It did, however, last for over two years. Except two years is not four, and four is not the nebulous time-frame of early teenage 'forever'. Love is easier to get over now. And the effects of a relationship which comes to an end are not as disastrous. Staying friends post-romance is easier with each successive romantic aftermath. But yes, to answer your question: Over time, there have been an increasing number of romantic aftermaths. I don't know if that is because I've become fickle, or flippant, or if it's just part and parcel of understanding that love is really not as painful as other disasters. That, and an acceptance of the transient nature of most emotions. I suppose the more I 'move on', I realize that it's only a matter of time before the next exciting possibility appears (and as they all have, disappears) along the horizon. And even as I wait for the forever-after, I indulge in harmless romantic diversions. They will not last, most probably, but they do make the journey and the interminable wait far, far more interesting. I think.

12 comments:

Deepak Iyer said...

"the only lifelong romance is 'to love oneself'" .. either it is this or it is 'to love everyone'. The choice of course, is subjective.

P.S. : I find something strangely unsettling about this sentence "And that I didn't use to be "

Xeb said...

To quote Oscar Wilde, "To love oneself is the beginning of the life long romance"

And about the sentence. It may be awful grammar that unsettled you. I thought about changing it to something more conventional, but then left it as it was. May come back a little later and change it though.

Deepak Iyer said...

Oh I do not dispute the quote. That was my 2 cents.
But it is thought-provoking.

If you ask me, one of the best ways would be if you could love everyone and not love yourself (without any religious or spiritual connotation). I realize this could some extremely cheesy if not interpreted rightly.

About the sentence, I guess it is the 'used to' as opposed to 'use to'.

drama queen said...

i guess u are neither fickle nor flippant...as i see it...people just have a lot of love to give away...and everytime a person you love steps out of your life...and you find love in another person..its ok...i guess...and that makes the moving on part maybe not easier, but i guess a little less painful in more than one way =)

Marina said...

Fascinating and Xeb, somehow... courageous. Admitting to truths most wish to deny. *applause*

Ali said...

:(

Deepak Iyer said...

@Xeb : What is your working e-mail address ? Is it different from the one you enter in comments ?

Tazeen said...

Don't apologize for being who you are, even if it is fickle or flippant. If you don't like being flippant, chances are that you will grow out of it, but this phase will help you in becoming the person you are and will be

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

i wish i could be like you... i wish i could move on easily.... when you have alot of love to give away its becomes really painful when u dont have the ability to easily move on...

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

btw love your blog... visit mine too sometime if u have nothing better to do....

http://lonelypervertedsoul.blogspot.com/

Xeb said...

Lonely: I don't think I move on easily. I know that I do. I don't think it's any less painful. I just think my ability to withstand emotional pain has increased with time. Which is both a good and a bad thing.

Lonely Perverted Soul said...

i envy u still... :P