May 18, 2009

I can't.

Why not?

I just can't.

That’s the last thing I expected you to say....

I’m sorry.

You said you love me.

I did. I do. And even then, I can’t.

Listen to me. Leave him, come home with me.

How?

It’s simple. Walk out the door. Walk into my arms.

If life was so simple, my love, I'd have walked out of the door a long time ago. The truth is there are no doors - just walls.

Every maze has an exit, so does yours.

Prison cells have no exits.

You're jailed by delusions of morality!

I don’t know what morality is. Or not the way know it. I'm bound, only, by who I am. And I will not change who I am. Not even for you.


What you’re saying is, you will be my lover, but you will not be mine?

He angrily stubbed his cigarette out, leaving a stumbling trail of gray around the pristine white sheets upon which the glass ash-tray rested. He looked out the window to the sunlight-strewn garden, and then returned his gaze to her face.

Yes. But it’s not quite like that, and you know it.

Then what is it like? You're a cheat, my love.

Your love. How ironic. But perhaps it’s better to lie to the world than to be untrue to myself.

Fuck you. All you do is take.

And you don’t?

What have I taken that that was not willingly given?

Nothing. Everything. You seduced me.

It was an equal seduction.

Was it?

I fell in love with you. 

I will not destroy my life, even for you.

Leaving him would destroy your life? What can he give you that I can't? I have money. I can give you children. I can give you a life with more meaning than you have right now. What can he give you?

Truth. He gives me truth.

What do you mean?

He's tied to me the same way that I'm tied to him. I love you, I can't deny it. I wish I was free so that I could be with you. But I'm not free. I will not leave him. You will not be able to understand the bonds that tie us together. And I don’t really expect you to. Let it be jaan, make love to me, let’s enjoy each other and forget everything else.

How? Fuck this! You're NOT this cold. You can't be. Stop being a bitch.

I am who I am. I have not hidden anything from you.

Is he blackmailing you? Are you afraid to leave him?

Afraid? Darling, the only person I've ever been afraid of is myself. No, he's not blackmailing me.

What is he to you? What is he to you, this man who you've been cheating on for the last six months? What is he to you, this man who you never talk to me about? What hold does he have on you that I can never have?

He's my husband.

I know that. Tell me why he's more important to you then I am.

Then you are?

She laughed then, a little sadly, a little bitterly.

Jaan, he's more important to me than I am.

Why?

He is good to me. He is good for me. He represents everything that I am not, but that I aspire to be. Maybe, someday. He makes me want to believe that there really may be something good in this world after all. He will be there for me, even when no one else will. He loves me, and I, I love him.

And yet you betray him?

For the last six months, yes.

And for the next six months?

She took a deep drag on her cigarette, and then looked at it perched between her fingers as if seeing it for the first time, as if she wondered how it had got there, ready and waiting for her to breathe it in.

Probably.

Why?

Why not?

Tell me why damn it! Am I some sort of a toy? A fucking yoyo you toss around for fun?

No. You're.... you're you meri jaan.

Why do you cheat on him?

How can I not? I’m greedy. And you, you call to me. To a deep, dark part of my soul that I never even knew existed. You touch me in places I didn’t know I could burn. You speak to me in a language I didn’t know I knew. You make me long for things, for things I should not be longing for. You make me hunger. You make me weak. You make me strong.

Leave him. Come to me. Be mine.

I won't. I can't. I'm sorry.

12 comments:

Ali said...

were you able to see grey's season finale?

Xeb said...

Yup. And I'm agitated about the wait before the next season starts! :(

Maryam said...

...woah. Intense.

Ali said...

there there, and about the post i can witness it

Ali said...

I thought this conversation was supposed to stay between us! :-p

Emma W. said...

:| I love it. :|

Ubaid said...

i love it too ....

Marina said...

I love the depth of her dialogue. Nicely done!=]

rain girl said...

very deep. bitter truths yet strangely logical.

:)

-raingirl

Noor Ali said...

Brilliantly done! Great job

Sabba Khawaja said...

nicee!! enjoyed that alott!!

Arunima said...

somehow, loved her power over him.