March 12, 2009

I am emotional pendulum. I will swing out of control and have to be institutionalized.

So, I deleted him from all IM-ing avenues so that I would not be tempted to contact him, but - if he wanted to - he could get in touch with me. I forgot that we stopped playing this particular game when we were in grade school. The repercussions of this idiotic game are:

1. I went back online (after temporary insanity had passed and I realized I was - as usual - making a big deal about nothing because I'm low and I need to vent, and he affects my emotions in a strangely fucked up way) only to realize he can't BE online, I don't have him on my lists anymore. The result was this mad sort of panic. Somehow, seeing him online (even if there was no conversation happening) was a source of security. I WANT HIM BACK ON MY LIST DAMN IT!

2. I then realized I can't figure out how to add him back. I try, but msn/skype does not respond. I don't know whether that is because he is not there, or because I did something silly and now it won't let me add him back.

3. I emailed him, telling him he needs to add me again.

The end result is that I suck at any, and every, form of power-play, even the kindergarten kind. And to add insult to injury, he now knows exactly how messed up I am, and therefore will be perfectly justified when he uses this opportunity to say-goodbye-and-wish-me-luck-for-all-future-endeavors. In his place I'd probably do the same thing. Categorize candidate as unstable and move on to-the-less-fucked-up. What sane person would want a nutcase like me complicating their lives?

I am honestly my own worst enemy.


1 comment:

ordered-chaos said...

you are at least on good enough terms (I hope even now) to mail him, there is no such option here. I HATE HATE HATE the irreversibility of life!