February 21, 2009

The most horrible human fallacy, I think, is undoubtedly envy. Envy makes us bad people. The kind who are incapable of feeling joy for others, who resent other people's success and who are so busy looking at what others posess that they take no pleasure in their own existence. Today, I felt some of this ugly-greeny-browny emotion, and what is worse is that I felt it for someone who I love as much as I love only very very few. I felt no pleasure in his pleasure because somewhere inside me was this awful pain. The pain of knowing that I am unfulfilled. For those few minutes that I was a victim of envy I felt despicably low and ashamed of myself. Because I AM happy for him. Unbelievably happy. But for myself, right now, at this moment, I feel the kind of clawing sadness that goes hand in hand with a pessimistic belief in the absolute futility of my existence. The kind of sadness that provokes a red-hot-burning behind the corners of your eyes and the back of your nose untill you're gritting your teeth together, and trying with every single drop of will-power you possess not to give in to the scorching tears of self-pity. Because if you do, you prove to yourself that you are not what you always thought you were. You are not capable of self-less love.

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