February 23, 2009

It occurs to me, in an idle moment of procrastination, that if I gamble on you, and I lose, the fault is mine, because I misjudged the cards and underestimated the hand held by fate. Even after that disastrous last bet, as I lose the pot, I will know that the blame belongs to only me because I gambled without correctly gauging the odds. And while the chips are being raked in by the winner, the pain is all mine for betting more than was wise, for staking too much and losing everything in the process..

But the shame, my love, is not mine. Because I did what I had to. I risked what needed to be risked when I felt what was to be won outweighed what could be lost. I did my part, when I had to, and now, shame on YOU for being such such a bad hand!


Arunima said...

If I was still not marred, I'd have definitely mailed this to an ex. :-) Now, I want to act mature. ha ha ha.

Xeb said...

You totally should! ;)

I was trying to talk myself out of suddenly emerging insecurities - where none really existed before - and this was the byproduct.

I don't know him. I want to know him. I don't trust him. I want to trust him. I'm not a part of his life, I want to be a part of his life.

In the cynical part of my brain I'm afraid the wants will override the don'ts and he'll eventually screw me over. But that's not how I used to think. And more importantly, that's not how I want to think!