February 22, 2009

Bouts of intense sadness hit without warning sometimes. When unbidden memories surface and refuse to let go. When I remember who he was, how he was, and how much I still love him. (Because love doesn't die when people do). When a pain so awful, so real, so all-consuming takes me in and refuses to let go. I can feel it inside me, this pain, clawing it's way up to my heart, crowding around my lungs, clenching my chest until I feel like I can't breathe.

Memories crowd around my brain until it becomes impossible to distinguish between one thought from the other. It's like watching a movie you've seen a hundred times before in fast-forward, you know exactly what it's all about but every image is a blur inside your brain. A painful blur, filled with scenes you don't want to see, but you can't look away from - no matter how hard you try.

And just when I thought this time it would take me under. This time I can't push it back, I manage because of a few simple words thrown at me by my little sister, who knows:

'Zainapa, I love you'.

Love is amazing. It makes you want to die. It makes you want to live. It gives you pain. It gives you joy. And at the end of the day, maybe it's the only thing that matters.

2 comments:

Arunima said...

amazing!

Natasha said...

so true and so well written.

btw my little sister calls me tashapa. i love it when they just make it one word! :)