October 7, 2008

A Facebook note titled: "Top 10 Reasons Why..."

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A man who gives you all the right signals (in spades) decides to abandon you in the middle of Manhattan (albeit with 10 things to do and 20 people to do it with, BUT he doesn't know that) close to midnight. He's supposed to get done with dinner and call you, but he does not. His cell phone is not being picked up and is mysteriously being directed to an answering machine which is linked to the wrong number. He does not respond to text messages. In short, he has disappeared.

Since no explanation has been given (12 hours later) it seems that the solution to this mystery is left up to our (wonderfully vivid) imagination.

So tell me darlings, what could be the top 10 reasons for the above to occur?

Be creative. Amuse me. I find being stood up does not make people into happy bunnies. That said, I think:

1. He was kidnapped by aliens whose mission was to prevent him from meeting up with me. Ingeniously they managed to pick him up between the door of the club he was at and the nearest subway by zapping him into outer space. In order to conceal their trail
they diverted his voicemail to their Martian mailbox. Surprisingly, we find, Martians are also victim to the automated female scourge that says "Hello, you have reached 123456712". At the end of the day the mystery reveals itself in a fairly convoluted way. It turns out that the King of the Martians has decided that he is quite hopelessly in love with me. While he works up the courage to approach me himself (he knows how ridiculously difficult I am to please perhaps he needs to acquire some more vices to attract me?), he amuses himself by kidnapping (and torturing?) other people who I may (on the face of it) seem to be interested in.

Plausible you think?


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"i wouldnt agree with you on that one... i think he was sold to Zardari who probably thinks that you could be the key to his next Surrey Mansion."

- Izhar Siddiqui

"Let’s be nice to the poor man. So what happened was: He went to the party totally expecting to leave and meet up with you. He reached there and found out – much to his dismay – that he was face to face with his ex-girlfriend. Coming face to face with the allure of NYC: drinks, drugs, and ex-gf, his generally weak will power gave out without much of a bang. The alcohol, combined with Lexotinal (several tablets ofcourse – there may have been a shot or two of Viagra involved?) which she slipped in his Corona proved to be too much for him. He succumbed to her evil scheming wiles and she hit him on the head caveman style, chucked him into the MTA bus and dragged him to her bedsit in Queens (but where else would dodgy Desi’s live?). And thus, he was taken advantage of in the worst possible way (in the way that only men can be taken advantage of) and this morning he remembers nothing, not even his mobile number."

Sound plausible?

- Jenny

"or....he might just be gay and not know it...or.....might just have been mugged (very likely in NYC) or.....might me spider-man and might have had a major crime to fight (we know that can take more time than one would put away for it) or it could be what Jenneth came up with...or....you could be right.....or homeland security got to him ;P"

- Saman Qureshi

"I have heard that New York is known for its traffic and cell phone dead spots lol. Perhaps both of these phenomenoms can explain his whereabouts for the last 20 hours. I've been a victim of this in the past and can assure you that he is desperately trying to contact you. He will also switch mobile providers and draft a letter to the department of city planning regarding the state of NYC traffic as soon as he has re-established communications."

- Shabbir Lasani

"Actually, what happens is that he lied to you. On Saturday nights he does not go for dinner with friends. What he actually does is cross dress in a brilliant blond wig (which looks great with his long legs), wearing bright red lipstick, and a bright sequined - preferably pink - mini dress and high heels. On this particular Saturday he was on his way to meet you like expected, but in his hurry to do so he realized that he forgot to get his regular clothes. The not-so-tall, not-so-pretty but overdone and badly dressed woman who passed you on your way back to the subway? That was him! And so was the annoying woman on the answering machine! :P"

- Madhav Krishna

"sounds like peter parker to me."

- Harris Ejaz

"You got it all wrong! He was investigating for the KGB on women's behaviour when left by themselves in the middle of Manhattan. All your reactions in the square (stomping your feet, screaming intermittently, cursing all his ancestors and their ancestors) have been filed as examples of feminine rage against the male inhabitants of the Earth. In fact, this is already on youtube! Next time you will discover he is in fact a woman, and not a man...but the surprises are neverending. Lets wait for the next meeting! Right?"

- Eva Provedel

"1.may have JUST discovered that he is infact gay.

2.may have decided to try on a superhero costume for a minute, and then lost track of time pretending to actually be a superhero...

3.broke a leg in the process of superhero identity discovery

4.got stoned, drunk, mugged, and *ahem* 'that' in the superhero costume"

- Sarah Dawood

"He used to work at Lehman..untill he got a call late at night.."

- Mustufa Sheikh Ali

"Okay here is what really happened. This boy met you and immediately fell for you. This freaked him out as he is accursed by an acute case of commitment-phobia. He decided that before taking the plunge he had to make sure he was not attracted to anyone or anything else in the whole of Manhattan. That very evening several gay men in Chelsea were offended by being hit upon by a blatantly straight man. So were several drag queens in the West Village. Did you hear about that mysterious tree-hugger in Central Park who took his hugging too far? That was him. Did you hear about the man who humped a subway pole on the 6 train? That was him too. Did you hear about how all the rats of Manhattan retreated down the Lincoln Tunnel en-masse to escape the attentions of a perverse 'ratophile' who the New York Times has hailed as a a modern Pied Piper and who has been decried by animal rights groups? Yup, that was him too. Sooner or later (hopefully after having taken a shower) he will give in to his true desire and come running back to you, tail between his legs. Tell him that a rat in Jersey wants his tail back."

- Kanita Ahmed

"if you believe in karma, and i do (albeit in a way that is loosely based on my limited exposure to the concept on TV and in the movies), i believe that in the past (or in a past life) you have done a kind deed (possibly two or three) to your fellow humans. the universe, knowing this, led this (so-called) man to abandon you this first time to prevent him from capturing your heart and then breaking it in the future. which is clearly what a man such as this would do.

or, it could be a truism which is the opposite of karma: no good deed goes unpunished.

in either case, i am thoroughly convinced that it was your good deed(s) that led him to abandon you. if i were you, would learn my lesson and stop being so nice. unless, of course, you are a masochist."

- Juan Montoya

"lol! Nice way to entertain! Here are my propositions: 1. He had a medical emergency that he's too embarrassed to mention.
2. It was past his curfew and his face turned in to a pumpkin.
3. He's a loser who doesn't deserve a girl like you so didn't even bother trying.
4. He's a nice guy who thinks he couldn't live up to your expectations and bottled it.
5. He got married that same night!
I like the Karma and Lehmans explanations but if 'on the face of it' you seem to be interested why do you even care?"

- Salman Jaffer

1 comment:

Rabia said...

its weird that someone can make you feel such a way that you begin to think of things like that. but the fact that they put u in the position to wonder about that means u need to stop and move on.