September 16, 2008

I resent this hitherto latent desire that has now emerged with a vengeance. I resent that it is making me question every assumption I had about myself, my future and my past. I resent that I find myself desperate (and yes, the word desperate does apply here) to stop living out of a suitcase, to stop moving around, to stop doing more things. I hate that I want to find that 'one person', who I can depend on to be there for me no matter what, and then depend on him to be there. I resent that I actually want a family, someone to come home to. And yes, that said, I resent that I yearn for a home. A place to come build, step by step, a place which is only, completely and totally mine. I resent that I want someone to dream with, that walking alone is no longer enough.

I deeply resent growing up. Changing priorities. Craving something I cannot have. What I resent most, however, is that my new ambitions require more than myself to fulfill. It is not enough that I be successful as an individual. In order to walk with someone, I need someone to walk with. I'm no longer in control of my own life. It's no longer enough for me to fall in love with someone. For this to work he has to fall in love with me. Agree to build his life with me. Want to be there for me. The transition from 'me' to 'us' is frightening. Even more so when I have no idea who the other half of this 'us' is meant to be.

1 comment:

ordered-chaos said...

Woman stop writing stuff which strikes this close to home!!!!!!!!!! I resent this all wayyy more then you do, and the resentment cloaks the despair invoked by ""will there ever be someone"" :((((((((((